And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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