I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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