One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
