i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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