She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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