You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
