It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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