Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
