then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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