I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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