I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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