Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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