3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
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We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
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