This house was built for laser tag.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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