Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
