There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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