I murdered the dance floor call the cops
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
