yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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