i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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