I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
