Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
