So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
