My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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