what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
why do cheetos always look like penises
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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