I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
