All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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