I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
