you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
