Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
