Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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