Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
