Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
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