Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
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