just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
