I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
