True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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