Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
