Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
