Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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