3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
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