dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
