so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I did not marry a roomba.
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