I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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