Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
