Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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