What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
