i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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