just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Text me some of your sweat
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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