a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
look no pants
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
