if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
