I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize