I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
