Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
